Silly (and often creepy) mascots unmasked

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I don’t understand mascots.

Sometimes I think the people who invented them must have hit their heads on something.

The concept of using a mascot for good luck or success comes from the 1880 French operetta “La Mascotte,” in which a farm girl brought good fortune to anyone she met.

With that in mind, the Chiquita Banana people may have been on the right track with the lady in the fruit hat, but I doubt it.

Like, what’s up with the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese dinosaur, “Cheesasaurus Rex”? What in the world does an extinct carnivore have to do with eating noodles? Unless someone digs up his bones and discovers an ancient bowl of Easy Mac clutched in his claws, I don’t understand the relevance.

And then we have “Speedy,” the Alka Seltzer mascot. when I have a sour stomach, the last thing I want running around me is a little kid with an effervescent tablet glued to his head. I want a pharmacist with a bottle of something that will make me wake up 10 hours later when my food has digested.

Next on the list are the chubby-faced Campbell Soup kids. Say it with me, people: “Too much sodium.”

Question: Does the Frito Bandito advocate shoplifting crunchy snacks? Just askin’. It’s nonsense.

Some mascots, however, are just plain creepy.

Like certain members of hamburger royalty. with his disturbing mammoth plastic head and crown, phony frozen smile, yucky molded curls and flaky leotard, this particular king just freaks me out. hello stalker!

Who invented that character? Hannibal Lecter? And I hate to say it, but the last thing I want when I’m having pancakes is to see a glass bottle glide itself across the kitchen table like it’s telekinetic and start talking to me. Mrs. Butterworth needs to hush the heck up and just pour out the syrup.

And I’m not even getting into Mucinex’s mr. Mucus or the toenail-fungus characters.

It’s ironic that the word “mascot” can be traced to the medieval Latin word “masca”, meaning “mask” or “witch” … both not exactly cheery and reassuring.

Last up are the sports mascots. some are OK but most are just stupid.

Can someone tell me what the obsession is with sports teams and Native Americans? The Chiefs. The Braves. The Indians. The Redskins.

I don’t know about you, but our country’s abysmal treatment of our Native Americans in our history is not something I want to be reminded about every time I turn on the television from spring into October … or ever.

And we can’t forget sports mascot bird names.

For example: the Orioles. this type of bird might be able to fly, swoop, chirp, gather twigs for a nice nest and look adorable when it lands on mr. Rogers’ shoulder, but none of these activities will result in its arrival on first base. at least a Pirate has a chance of knocking one into the cheap seats.

I don’t want to get too burned up over the topic of mascots.

I might get an unwanted visit from Smokey Bear.

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<a href=",2005:cluster=, 31 Mar 2011 06:08:05 GMT 00:00″>Silly (and often creepy) mascots unmasked

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